ER Etiquette

So I learned tonight that ER is in its last season (this cheese has been over-ripe for a LONG time). But it got me thinking about all those Thursday nights in college where the world stopped so we could catch the lastest drama on who's sleeping with whom in the midst of saving lives (cue dramatic music and heart monitor beeps). And I wondered if my job had enough material to be a weekely soap opera. Turns out, the answer is a resounding...no. The ER's too dirty a place to kindle a romantic hook-up.

However, sometimes people do things in the ER that makes my jaw drop. So here's some basic ER etiquette for all you potential patients out there.

1) Don't come into my ER complaining of abd pain with nausea/vomiting and the first thing you ask for is food. If you can eat, you don't need to be here.

2) If you think you might be pregnant, take a pregnancy test at home. No need to get us in the middle of it. And no, we can't tell you the very day and hour of conception so you're going to have to invest in a paternity test in 9 months.

3) If you haven't been making poopy, please try to get things moving at home (google it people).

4) Please, please, please write down your meds. We don't know which med is in your little pink pill you take every morning. They can't all be as well known as the little blue pill you take every weekend (wink).

5) If you're going to get drunk, please do it from the safety of your own home. And if you're passing out in front of liquor stores, it may be a sign from God that it's time to pull an Amy Winehouse and go to rehab.

6) Finally, if your doctors are looking at you like this, it's probably because you've done something really embarrasing and all the hospital staff wants to get a look (I think half these guys are from housekeeping).